


Gyeyang Summer

by hoshatree (marchmain)



Category: K-pop, Super Junior
Genre: Coming of Age, Homophobia, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2014-08-23
Packaged: 2018-02-14 07:55:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2183853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marchmain/pseuds/hoshatree
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Siwon becomes attached to the new friend he makes over summer, but his new friend has a secret that could change everything.</p><p>
  <i>"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Tell me a secret about you that no one else knows."</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gyeyang Summer

During the summer before I began my course at the seminary, I lived in Incheon City. I was living with an aunt who had been unwell and needed some help in her day to day chores. Despite arriving in a positive state of mind, I quickly became lonely in my aunt's house and I longed for the company of people my own age. My aunt, a distant relative and childless widow with few relations of her own, lived something of a life of solitude, but she at least had her own friends. Whenever she went out with them I was left at home, alone and extremely bored. It did not escape my aunt's attention that I became sombre during the weekends when she went out, so one day she recommended that I take the day to explore some of the area.

"Go to Gyeyang Park," she told me. "You will like it there. There are walking trails and pleasant scenery, a good place to spend your day of rest and meditation."

Taking her advice, I took the train to Mt. Gyeyang after church that Sunday. She was right about it being a pleasant park, and a perfectly unexciting place, but appropriate for a Sunday. Nature, even in the midst of an urban environment reminds one of God's creation, and I was happy to be there. The Judas trees that lined the path were alive with summer, and the green leaves seemed especially cheerful and bright on this day. I remember it so vividly now, because this was the day that I met him.

It happened like so: at some point during my walk I realised that there was someone else walking beside me; a young person, face hidden behind a large hat and glasses, who carried a small backpack and looked entirely lost in his own world. I had noticed him before, when I had first arrived, but he seemed so determined in his own mission that I chose not to speak to him. The further we walked the harder I found it to stay focused on my own thoughts and I continuously checked to see if he was still beside me. Sometimes he would be walking ahead of me and other times he would fall behind, usually when he would stop to get a look at something in the trees.

When I reached the gate which led to the path to the summit, he was a few paces behind me. Impulsively, I decided to wait for him. We made eye contact when he looked up and he smiled at me.

"Are you going to the summit?" he asked.

"Sure, why not? Shall we go together?"

He paused for a few moments, looking around him as if he was checking no one else was present.

"Sure, why not?"

In his moment of indecision, I regretted having asked him. It occurred to me that he may have come to the mountain to seek peace in solitude, and I had clumsily interrupted it. However, he smiled when he assented, and he stepped up to walk closely beside me. I thought he might be my own age, and I was suddenly excited at the prospect of having a friend.

We walked together in silence until I asked him for his name. He didn't answer immediately. He looked around himself, as if he had not even heard the question.

"Ryeo-wook," he said at last.

I asked him for his age, and when he told me I replied, "Same as me!" This was actually not true, he was a year younger than me, but I chose not to mention this because I did not want him to be awkward with me. Lying is always best avoided, but sometimes I feel that it is good to be spontaneous in moments like these.

"What do you for a living?" he asked me.

"I am starting a course at college in September."

Ryeo-wook was impressed with this answer. He was a student too, he told me. Natural Science at the University of Incheon. From the sound in his voice you could tell that he was proud. He told me he lived locally, near the mountain.

"I will point to my house when we get to the summit."

"Do you come here often?"

"Every Sunday," he replied automatically, without a pause. "Every Sunday I walk up to the top of the mountain, and I watch the views and I think about things."

I was tempted to ask what things, but I had a feeling he wouldn't answer me, at least not truthfully. Perhaps they were things I didn't need to know. I realised that I had come in order to do much the same, so perhaps we were like minded people. I wanted to think so.

Since I had decided not to continue the conversation, a heavy silence set upon us. It was not an uncomfortable silence, but the further we went, the harder it was to break. We said nothing until the summit was reached.

"There it is over there," he said as he pointed to the city below us. I couldn't tell the houses apart, but I tried to follow his line of view. I thought he had pretty eyes.

We took a seat under a nearby tree, and spent the better part of the afternoon talking. The vow of silence that had held us earlier was gone, and I no longer felt awkward about starting conversations. I told him more about myself, about where I was from, why I had come to Incheon. I liked the way that he listened kindly, and laughed easily, although he would always cover his face when he did so and numerous times I felt the urge to pull his hands away.

"I feel a little guilty," I confessed to him. "You came here to think about things on your own, and I have distracted you."

"Not really," he replied. "It doesn't matter. Why did you come here today? Was it for the same reason?"

"Yes, I think so. I was going to spend Sunday the way I usually do, with quiet reflection."

He laughed, but stopped suddenly when he saw that I was being serious. "What sort of reflection?" he asked.

"Well, I believe there is a certain kind of reflection a person should do on a Sunday. It's God's day, after all, isn't it? I think going outside, and coming to a place like this, really helps you appreciate the miracle of God's work. Think about it: we have something as magnificent as a mountain, and on it every tiny ant and every blade of grass, so small and seemingly insignificant, yet each so sacred in its own way..."

While I was speaking he was looking at me with an amused expression, sort of like a child who was being told a bedtime story.

I continued: "It instills a kind of awe and wonder in a person, to think God created the world. On the seventh day He rested and saw what He had done. So I think we should too."

As soon as I finished speaking, Ryeo-wook turned his face away from me and stared off into the distance, as if contemplating something deep. When he replied to me, he spoke slowly: "So, you do believe all that stuff then?"

"I do," I said with some conviction, although his words had left me feeling cold. "You don't?"

He smiled at me, and it wasn't unkind. "Of course not. I'm a scientist. The mountains were created millions of years ago by tectonic movements."

I suspected now that he was calling me stupid, but it didn't feel that way. His eyes were too kind.

"But then again," he added, as if reading my mind, "that is like a miracle in its own way. You can find explanations for most things, but at the bottom of it all there will still be some sort of mystery. I don't think God meant for it to be so easily understood."

I was finally able to let go of a deep breath I didn't know I had been holding. I was relieved to hear him mention God's name, since I had started to worry that he might be an atheist. I find it difficult to get along with atheists, especially when they are headstrong in their opinions. I had an impulsive desire to reach out and hug him, but I did not. I thought it was funny that he probably had no idea easily he pleased me.

When the afternoon had reached its later half, we turned back. We were mostly quiet as we walked back down, but by then there was not much left to say. At one stage on the path Ryeo-wook tripped, only slightly, but I immediately reached out to stabilise him. I held his hand, but he pulled it away abruptly, and it left me wondering if I had offended him.

He quickly became cheerful again, and I supposed that I had only imagined his sudden anger. When we were on the level paths again, he slipped his hand into mine and walked closely beside me.

After we said good-bye, I watched him disappear into some indistinguishable street and I realised that there was no guarantee that I would ever see him. Neither of us had mentioned a second meeting. Somehow that didn't bother me, and I caught the train back to my aunt's house feeling wonderfully at peace.

* * *

The following Sunday I took the train to Mt. Gyeyang after church, exactly as I had done before. There was no questioning the fact that making a new friend the previous week had put me in good spirits and I wanted to recreate that good day. But there was something different about the air on this day; it was slightly cooler and the wind was harsher. The branches of the Judas trees were trembling with uncertainty. I could not be sure that I would see my friend again, but I decided not to worry too much about that. Whatever happened would be according to God's will, and so I put my fate in His hands.

Ryeo-wook was waiting when I arrived. Waiting for me, it would seem, since he waved when I approached, squinting through his thick glasses. He was wearing the same big hat as before, one hand holding on to it to stop it from blowing away in the wind. With his backpack he looked like a school boy ready to go on an excursion. I thought he looked very small. He was at least a head shorter than me, and small in stature, and I wondered how come I hadn't noticed this before. When I reached him, I wondered how easy it would be to pick him up, but I kept this thought to myself.

"You came back," I said to him, somewhat dumbly, when we had finished our brief hello.

"I said I come every Sunday," he replied simply. We didn't say much more on the way to the mountain, but every now and then he would stop to point out a bird to me, and I would say only a few words in response. He seemed to know a lot about the birds.

He stumbled on one of the steps and once again I reached out to steady him. This time he laughed, as if though by touching him I had reminded him of some joke we had previously shared. I laughed too.

When we reached the same place as last week, we sat in the same spot under the same tree. He pulled off his backpack, and took out two cup cakes, wrapped up. Handing one to me, he said,

"I thought I might see you again, so I came prepared."

I stared at the cake in my hands for a few moments, feeling a little moved by his generosity and ashamed that I had nothing to give him in return.

"I have a confession to make to you," I said, still looking at the cake.

He answered me cheerfully with his mouth full. "Okay, go on."

"We're not the same age. Last time I told you that we were, but actually I am a year older than you. I'm sorry that I lied, and it seems so trivial now, but I thought that we could be good friends. I did not want you to be formal with me."

Ryeo-wook stared at me for a short while, eating his cake in silence. Finally, he said, "You're funny. I like you."

I was pleased that he wasn't at all mad with me and I felt like telling him more.

"I told you that I will be starting my course in September. I'm actually going to the seminary."

"Ah, very good," he said, then pausing pensively. "So you will be becoming a priest then?"

"Yes, well, something like that."

He nodded in understanding. "I wanted to be a priest once, when I was very young. Well maybe not a priest, what is it called? A monk, yes a monk. Have a shaved head and live in the mountains, meditating every day from morning till night. I thought that would be nice."

I watched him with interest, wondering what he would look like with a shaved head. He laughed when I remained silent.

"I don't want to anymore. That's not what you mean anyway, is it?"

"No, I don't think living in the mountains is what I want. I want to be able to help people, and to help spread God's word. Besides, you're thinking of a different religion."

He smiled. "Yes, I know. So when you become a priest, will you have to convert me?"

"Convert you? I thought you already were a Christian."

He looked away and remained staring into the distance. "Oh right... I guess I am."

Wanting to get his attention back, I brushed my hand gently against his cheek. He immediately became tense, pushing my hand away with a force that took me by surprise.

"Please don't," he murmured coldly, his eyes downcast. My first instinct was to apologise, but I felt wounded by his rejection and sudden change in mood. I moved away from him slightly. From then on our talk became formal, but warmed up again with time. When we were leaving, he put his hand in mine again and walked closely beside me.

"I'm sorry for being harsh before," he said, and I felt awkward that he was bringing it up. "I don't want to be mean, but I am a bit shy sometimes. But I like you, I really do." He squeezed my hand as if to emphasise the point. I left that day feeling happy again.

* * *

The next Sunday we shared lunch in the same place and he placed his head against my shoulder. I felt proud now, now that he was no longer shy with me. I felt as if I had earned a special part of him, and yet he still remained greatly mysterious to me. He never told me too much about his outside life, making only occasional vague references to friends and relatives. If he mentioned a friend, it was only ever as "my friend", never by a name. Sometimes I felt tempted to press him for more information, but at the same I realised that there was a whole different life he lived every other day of the week, which I was not meant to be a part of.

I, on the other hand, felt the need to tell him everything. The desire to know him was balanced by the desire I felt to be known by him, and so I offered my soul up on a plate. I told him more about my home, my family and my friend, the Reverend, who was my mentor in all things. He listened kindly, as always, with full attention.

"I told the Reverend about you," I said to him one Sunday.

Ryeo-wook responded with eyes narrowed. "What did he say?"

"Well, nothing in particular. Only that it was good that I had a new friend, and that I should try to maintain our friendship when I go back to school."

"Oh." Ryeo-wook smiled. I wondered whether he had been expecting to hear something else. "Yes, let's stay friends."

* * *

I continued to go to Mt. Gyeyang every Sunday without fail. One day my aunt took notice of this. We were on our way to church in the morning, and she asked:

"Are you going to the mountain again?"

I replied that I was, a little sheepishly, since I wasn't expecting to be asked.

"When I advised that you should visit the park, I didn't expect that you would go back there every week. I thought you might want to see some other part of the city."

"Well, I quite like the park, but it's not only that. I have a friend that I want to meet there."

Auntie looked straight ahead, a serious expression on her face. "I suspected as much. Is it a girl?"

"No, not a girl."

"Ah, but I thought it must be. The way you are always so go eager to go over there by a certain time, and when you come back you are always light and happy. There is no shame in seeing a girl, you know. Especially at your age..."

I was somewhat amused by the thought that my aunt suspected me of lying. I didn't know what to say to her. I only repeated that my friend was not a girl, and she nodded solemnly.

* * *

Summer continued to roll on and as it did so I thought that it went both quickly and slowly. The days of the week seemed to last forever, but before I was even ready, it was time for me to go back home.

On the last Sunday before my leaving, we were sitting together under the Judas tree, the same one as always. He was sitting with his back to me, leaning back so that his head was pressed against my shoulder. I could smell the shampoo in his hair and it mixed with the sweet summer smell of grass and flowers, and it gave me a rather heady sensation.

"I am going back to Seoul next week," I said to him.

He didn't reply. He was staring off into the distance, as if in a trance, and it was as if he hadn't heard me at all. I was a little annoyed by this so I said:

"Ryeo-wook, listen to me! You can't ignore your elder!" I was about to poke him in the side, but I couldn't bring myself to hurt him in any way, so instead I kissed the top of his head. This made him snap out of his trance, and he turned to look up at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm not very well today," he said, smiling apologetically.

"What's the matter, are you sick?"

"No, it's more of an emotional matter," he said, somewhat shyly. I wanted him to say more.

"Tell me about it."

He rubbed his chest awkwardly for a few moments. "It was a break up," he said. "That's all."

I was a little taken aback by this admission. He had never told me that he had a girlfriend. Sure, he never mentioned his outside life in any great detail but I thought he would have at least mentioned a girlfriend. I had thought that we were closer than that.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I said, trying hard to keep my voice level, hoping I wouldn't reveal the betrayal I felt.

"Not really." He laughed lightly. "It wasn't a serious thing, and you know it's probably for the best. I guess it's just my injured pride. You just said that you were going back to Seoul next week. I was listening, actually. I'm sorry I drifted off. I will miss you when you go. We've been good friends these past few weeks."

I was touched by these words, so I immediately forgot the small pain I had felt just a minute earlier. With one arm, I pulled him closer to me.

"Come with me." I said without thinking.

He took a deep breath. "What do you mean?"

"Come to Seoul with me, just for a few days. You have a holiday now, don't you? I want you to come see where I live, you can meet my family."

"Oh... where do you live?"

"Over there!" I pointed into the distant blur. "It's somewhere over there."

Ryeo-wook laughed. "Yeah, I know where Seoul is. Which part do you live in?"

"Gangnam-gu."

He drew another deep breath. "Really now."

"Please, come." I repeated, pulling him in even closer, so that his back was pressed against me. He was so small, it felt so easy to hold him like this.

"Okay then," he said at last. "Let me know when you are leaving and we can catch the train together."

* * *

It was a rash decision to invite Ryeo-wook to come back to Gangnam with me. I hadn't thought about what my family's plans were and whether they would be happy with another guest. Fortunately, they were pleased to hear that I was bringing a friend home, since they were curious about who I had been spending my time with.

The Reverend was also in town, and I particularly looked forward to introducing him to my new friend as I was eager to gain his approval. I mentioned over the phone that I would be bringing Ryeo-wook with me and his reply was neutral.

"That friend seems to have made quite a strong influence on you," was all he said. I didn't know whether that was meant as a good thing or a bad thing.

The day I met Ryeo-wook at the train station, I realised that I had never seen him outside of Gyeyang Park before. He looked somewhat lost and bewildered in the crowd, but he cheered up when he saw me waving towards him.

On the train we sat side by side and he rested his head against my shoulder. He didn't say much, but he was happy to listen to me talk. I wondered whether he was nervous at all. I didn't think that there was anything he ought to be nervous about, so I didn't ask him.

"You know, I really liked the parks around Gyeyang," I said to make conversation. "I think I would like to have my wedding at some place like that."

"Wedding?" Ryeo-wook said slowly, as he lifted his head up. "I thought you said you wanted to become a priest?"

"Well, you know, a pastor. Pastors can get married as well, you know."

"All the priests I remember from going to church were never married. I thought it was against the rules."

"That's only for Catholic priests," I said.

"Yes, I suppose that's it."

The realisation of what he had just said hit me slowly. "You mean you're a Catholic?"

"Um, yes. I guess so." He looked at me curiously. "Is something the matter with that?"

I could feel my chest tighten slightly. What was I to tell him? "My family, well, they don't really approve of Catholics."

Ryeo-wook smiled, a little sarcastically. "Don't tell them, then. It doesn't matter."

I let out the breath I had been holding. He was right, it didn't matter. Why should I become so worried about such a tiny thing? My father only spoke badly of Catholics in an abstract way, and surely he shouldn't care if he met one? I held onto Ryeo-wook's hand all the same.

Come to think of it, there was actually something rather devious about bringing a Catholic to meet my father. I rarely ever did anything devious, and the thought excited me somewhat. I had to hold back a smile as we approached the house.

Ryeo-wook looked up at the building in a curious sort of way, and I wasn't sure whether he was impressed or shocked. "I didn't realise people actually lived in places like this," he said, and all I could do was laugh. I wasn't really sure what he meant.

The house at this time of year was particularly busy, with family members visiting from various places. I was glad to be home. I liked being back to something I was used to, and I remembered how quiet and solemn my auntie's house had been.

I chatted with my mother in quite a carefree manner and I noticed after some time that Ryeo-wook hadn't said anything since we arrived. I had introduced him to everyone and he had politely bowed, but after that he had gone completely quiet. I realised that I had yet to meet with him in the presence of other people and I remembered that he had once told me that he was shy. I felt guilty for leaving him standing there so awkwardly, so I excused myself from the company and took him away with me.

When we were alone, I said to him: "I'm sorry for leaving you like that. I got carried away and I forgot that you don't know anyone. My cousin is coming over later and I will introduce you to her. I think you will like her, she is very nice."

He nodded, but did not seem particularly enthused about the idea. I suppose it was still a little overwhelming. With some embarrassment, I remembered what he had told me about the break up, as he had called it, and I wondered if he thought it was insensitive of me to impose my cousin onto him so soon. I wasn't sure what to think, and I wished he could have told me more about the issue, but he never mentioned it and I was too embarrassed to ask him.

* * *

The Reverend came later in the day, and after dinner we played chess on the porch. We were alone. I am not a big fan of chess, but it suited me to have some time alone with the Reverend. I told him about my time in Incheon with more detail, and he listened, nodding his head and laughing occasionally. I always valued hearing his advice and general opinions about things, since he was the sort of person who always took matters into careful consideration. He had a kind face, as I remember it now, round with small eyes. He spoke with a soft voice that always sounded wise.

"Where is your new friend?" he asked me at last.

"With Soo-young," I replied. "They have been quite inseparable ever since they met."

The Reverend chuckled softly. "I noticed your friend at dinner. He didn't say much, but I think he seems like a gentle person. He has a rather effeminate manner."

"You should meet him," I said cheerfully, but I wasn't sure if I really meant it. Having introduced Ryeo-wook to my cousin, I felt as if I had lost him somewhat. I didn't really want to lose him again.

"Is he a Christian?" the Reverend asked.

"Ah yes." I paused awkwardly before continuing. "A catholic." I had a terrible habit of blurting out the truth whenever I was with the Reverend, but he seemed to understand. He laughed kindly.

"Very well then, I suppose that is good enough. But I can't help but notice that he has had something of a strong influence on you. I can tell from the way you speak about him. You told me that he was a scientist, and that his view of the world had helped you appreciate God's creation in greater detail. That is a perfectly good judgment, but I fear that you could be taking his opinion too strongly. Remember that you are going to the seminary soon and you will have to show strength of faith..."

I nodded obediently. I did not think that Ryeo-wook could lead me astray in any way, yet I put a great faith in the words of the Reverend. I aspired to be just like him, a leader in the community, so I accepted his opinion gladly.

When we finished our game, I went to go find Ryeo-wook. He was sitting with Soo-young by the outside pool and they were chatting, just as they were when I had left them. I had joined in their conversation initially, but they quickly began talking about books and films and other things I wasn't familiar with and I soon felt left out. Coming back, I saw them leaning in close to whisper something and I felt a pang of jealousy in my heart. How intimate they looked and they had only known each other a couple of hours! It had taken me so long to earn the confidence of Ryeo-wook, and now someone else had won it so easily. Then again, Soo-young was a pretty girl. All the same, it was time for me to take my friend back.

I joined in the conversation, but Soo-young left soon after. By the time that Ryeo-wook and I were alone again, it was already dark. Ryeo-wook immediately moved over to the side of the pool, as if he was looking for something under the water. I followed him over and we sat together on the edge.

"I like the way there are lights underneath," he said, eyes still fixed on the water. "And you can see the moon in the reflection."

"Do you like it here?" I asked him.

He looked up at me. "Yeah, I do. Your family was nice to me. I like Soo-young."

I smiled, hoping that the slight jealously I had felt before was not evident to him. "You spent a long time talking to her. What did you talk about?"

"We talked about you of course." He laughed at my expression. "As soon as you left I made her tell me everything about you. I hope you don't mind."

"That's not very nice," I said jokingly, "talking about me behind my back. I was feeling quite left out you know."

"I'm sorry."

"That's okay. You can kiss me to make up for it."

He stared at me for a moment, making a face and then turned away. "I want to go swimming," he said. "Come in with me."

I followed his request, although I regretted it the moment I entered the water. It had been warm during the day, but at night time the water was freezing. Ryeo-wook appeared suddenly from behind me, taking hold of my waist as he pulled himself up.

"It's funny isn't it, how people feel much lighter in water." He pulled me up to demonstrate, and I fought against him, but I was actually grateful for the feeling of his body against mine.

"It's so cold," I complained.

"Don't be a baby," he said, but I could feel that he was shivering.

He let go of me. The feeling of his tongue in my mouth was so sudden that it took me by surprise. Perhaps it had been the cold temperature of the water, but when he kissed me it felt so unbelievably hot that I can still remember the feeling to this day.

He put his forehead against my shoulder, and at the time I thought it was funny how he had taken my request so seriously.

* * *

Later, we sat together in my bedroom, almost ready to go to sleep. I didn't want him to leave me just yet so I asked him to stay and talk with me a bit longer.

"What do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Tell me a secret about you that no one else knows."

He shrugged. "I don't have any secrets. You know pretty much everything about me."

"That's not true! I know hardly anything about you, at least I know nothing about your life outside me."

He smiled kindly. "Then tell me, what do you want to know?"

"Tell me about your girlfriend."

His smile fell. "What girlfriend? I don't have one."

"No, I mean the one you had the break up with. I remember you told me you had a break up."

"Oh... that." He looked down at his hands. "Do you really want to hear about it?"

"Of course I do." I moved in closer so that our heads were almost touching.

"Okay, but don't tell anyone alright? I was seeing my tutor for a bit. It was a bad idea and it didn't work out well..."

"What happened?"

Ryeo-wook paused for a moment. His head slightly cocked, he stared at me, as if reading my expression. "He decided to go back to his wife."

We continued to stare at each other in silence for the next few moments. I don't know how long it lasted, but his last words had hit me like a slow moving bullet.

"I don't understand..." I said slowly.

Ryeo-wook became tense. "I can't see what isn't to understand. It's quite simple really."

"No, it's not quite simple," I replied automatically, hardly conscious that my own mouth was speaking. "You do realise you have done something terrible. A terrible mistake."

"It certainly was," Ryeo-wook replied and I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic. "It was all for nothing and I have never felt more worthless in my life. I know you probably think I am a bad person, but I have learnt my lesson now. I will never sleep with a married man again. It's no good, they always end up going back to their wives."

I inwardly winced at the suggestion that this was not the first time he had done such a thing. I didn't say anything. He continued:

"I will say this: he made me feel worthless, treating me like his toy, but then whenever I was with you, I would feel important again. You don't make me feel worthless, ever. You're not like them, those soulless, empty people who don't even know why they do what they do. Believe me. I love you."

He looked at me, waiting, as if he expected me to say something. I couldn't say anything, my head was spinning and my heart was beating too fast. His expression became cold.

"I'm going to bed now," he said and left.

* * *

I could not sleep that night. I sat awake in my bed, going over and over in my mind what Ryeo-wook had just told me. I felt a rising anger building up inside of me. It was as if every aspect of our friendship had become tainted. I thought about all the times I had held him and then I thought about the other man, or men, who had held him and I realised that all its innocence was lost. I couldn't wash the images from my mind, and I started to feel sick with the thought.

I prayed for some time, not knowing what else to do. I wanted to have my friend back the way it was before and not have to think about what had happened in the past. Perhaps Ryeo-wook could be fixed, yet he had shown no indication of wanting to.

He said he loved me. My head felt light, and my stomach uneasy. I touched my lips, almost experimentally. I had let him kiss me. To think all the while I had supposed innocence on his part. Now I wished that I could wash the feeling away.

It eventually became too much to bear, so I put my clothes back on and went for a short walk around the street. It was quite late at this point, but people were still going home. Looking into their anonymous and distant faces gave me no pleasure. It was not long before I started to go back.

The Reverend met me at the gate. Perhaps he also had been having difficulty sleeping, since he seemed to have no purpose in being up.

"Is something the matter?" he asked as soon as he saw me.

I replied that there was, but he must have already known that, because he always had a way of knowing these things. He looked at me kindly, and I went on to tell him everything. I always had a bad habit of blurting out the truth to him. He listened quietly, and did not look surprised by what I told him.

"He's in love with me." I said, although it was more of a question than a statement. I looked around us briefly. It was completely dark on the porch and not a sound could be heard from inside.

The Reverend nodded. "I suspected this." The Reverend had a way of knowing everything.

I looked away suddenly. I could still feel the sensation of his tongue in my mouth. A swell of panic rose up inside of me. "Am I in love with him?" I asked, not looking at the Reverend as I spoke. It was probably a question to myself, not to him. He answered anyway.

"I don't think so. I imagine it is something of a passing illusion. You have always been a normal boy, in my opinion. I would not worry yourself too much."

I nodded slowly.

"All the same," he continued, "it is important not to indulge in any such desires. You could easily be lead astray. I told you before, I think this boy has a strong influence on you. Now I think you understand what I mean."

"What if he could be changed?"

The Reverend sighed. "Only those who wished to be saved, will be saved."

"Then what should I do?"

The Reverend paused pensively, taking time to draw his words together. "I think you should leave this one. You can't save everyone, and you have a promising future as a member of the clergy. Keep the big picture in mind."

I nodded in understanding, but I was still conflicted. "I want to keep my friend though. I've become so attached to him."

The Reverend looked at me directly in the eye. His expression was kind. "All the more reason to let him go. Think of it as a test of your faith. We often face temptation in life, and the best we can do to avoid it is to remain on the path that God has set out for us."

I thanked him and we returned to the house.

* * *

Early next morning I met Ryeo-wook again. It looked like he had slept badly, judging from his weary and miserable demeanor. He lowered his eyes when he saw me in the hall.

"I'm sorry about last night," he said softly. "I think I said too much. Would it be alright if I asked you to forget about it?"

I looked to the ground as heat rose in my cheeks. It took me a few moments to answer. "I think you should leave now."

He didn't say anything, but he breathed deeply and for a moment I thought he was going to cry. I didn't want him to cry. It would be very awkward, and someone might see and become suspicious.

"I'll take you to the train station," I said, but all the kindness in my voice was hollow.

He didn't say much to me on the way over, and I was somewhat thankful for that. Whenever he did speak, it was so cold that it struck at the heart of my guilt. I tried not to feel guilty, after all I thought I was doing what was best.

We were early for the train, so we sat together at the station and waited. This was when he began to speak to me.

"I told you something private last night," he said. "And I asked you not to tell anyone."

I nodded but didn't say anything. From the way he looked at me, his eyes filled with hatred, I knew that he knew.

"Well, I want to tell you something else, and I don't care who you tell."

I was silent, so he continued.

"After it happened, the break up that is, there was a time when I was very angry. Vengeful actually. You see, a teacher, and a married man should not be having affairs like that. He shouldn't have treated me so lightly. It was easy for me to avenge him because I had the phone number of his wife. All I had to do was leave an anonymous message and I could ruin his supposedly happy family. I really thought about doing it for some time. But then I thought about you, and I asked myself, _'What would Siwon do?'_ I thought he wouldn't seek revenge for something so petty. He would forgive with an open heart, just as Christ had done. When I realised this, I put the phone back and I tore up the number. I wanted to be a person like that, a person who lives with a clear conscious and good morals."

The train arrived and he stood up. Taking one last look at me, with eyes full of sadness, he said: "Perhaps I was wrong about you." Then he left.

I watched him go in silence and I asked myself if I should have said anything. What could I have said? When I saw him leave, my heart was filled with shame.

* * *

Come September, I entered the seminary, and life seemed to change a great deal. For the better, mostly, since I was finally following my chosen path.

I never saw Ryeo-wook again, but I thought about him often. I always thought about having the chance to meet him again, how I would do things differently. As I got older and learnt more about the world, I came to appreciate just how foolish I had been. If that had been a test from God, then surely I had failed. The punishment I suffered was to know that I would probably never again meet someone that I could love as I had loved Ryeo-wook.

Some years later, I returned to Gyeyang and I even walked around the parks at the mountain. It was early summer and the trees were beginning to turn their brightest shade of green. There were many Judas trees in the park, and I couldn’t remember which one was the one where we had always sat. The surroundings seemed to have changed. It had been a long time.

I picked a tree, and waited there. He once said that he came to the mountain every week, but that probably wasn’t true anymore. He might not even live in the city anymore. Even if I saw him, would I recognise him? It had been a long time.

Sitting on the mountain was just as peaceful as I remembered it. It is the sort of place where you can truly appreciate God’s work. _I don't think God meant for it to be so easily understood_. Isn’t that what he said?

I knew he probably wouldn’t come, but still I waited.


End file.
